Life After Grief: One Step at a Time

How to move forward after loss 

Most of us experience loss in our lives. Some of us lose the privilege of going to school, or of feeling welcome in our family or in our society because of our differences. We lose our loved ones to some sort of accident or illness. Some of us lose our pregnancies, our child or children. 

All the above losses apply to me.

At a young age, I was bullied by Vietnamese society, rejected by my grandparents, and abused by my stepfather. Why? Because I’m an Amerasian. I was blood left behind by the enemy. “Mixed blood,” they called me. I had to fight hard with my stepfather so I could go to school. 

After years of fighting to find a place where I belonged, I immigrated to the United States in 1989 with my baby brother and my mother, thanks to the American Homecoming Act that was passed in 1988. U.S. law allowed immigrant kids to stay in school until they were twenty-one years old, so I took that opportunity. I was almost eighteen years old when I came to the U.S. I worked hard to go to school even though I didn’t know English. I enrolled in High School Fall of 1989 and graduated in 1992 when I was 21 years old. After that, I went straight to college.

I have to say, school was very hard for me. I struggled, but I told myself, “One term at a time. You can do it. Keep trying, Thao.” And that is the way to move forward after grief—one step at a time. 

I graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in Dental Hygiene in 1998, one of very few Amerasians to overcome the losses of my childhood and earn a college degree. I was motivated by my desire to provide financial support for my mother, my brother, and my extended family back in Vietnam. I was so happy when I began my career as a Dental Hygienist and I could support my family. Finally, I was living my dream!

Sadly, my dream didn’t last long. 

In May of 2002, after 7 years of dating and only two years of marriage, I lost my husband in a fatal car accident. I also lost my mother, my brother and his wife, and a family friend in the same accident on the way to the beach to celebrate my thirty-first birthday. I was the only adult survivor.

After the accident, I suffered some health problems and a huge mental breakdown. I was shattered. I didn’t think I could ever move forward. But I decided to reach out to friends, family, and counselors. With their support, one step at a time, I was able to move on.

I found happiness again and married my dear college friend. I was humbled as I thanked God for helping me heal. I thought my grief was behind me then. I thought God wouldn’t allow any more loss in my life.

But I was wrong.

After I married again, more challenges came my way. I wasn’t able to conceive naturally or through Intrauterine Insemination, so we did In-Vitro Fertilization. Through IVF, I lost many pregnancies within my first trimester, and I lost a set of twins five months into my pregnancy. I was devastated. But I didn’t give up trying, or shy away from asking for God’s blessing. Two years later, we were blessed with a set of twins. 

Keep working through the pain.

Yes, most of us will experience loss of some kind in our lives, but please keep on trying to your limit, and continue to ask your God to help you. Remember, life is never stagnant, it goes up and down like waves. What can we do to steady ourselves?

In this blog, I will share the things that have helped me to find steadiness in the waves of life. I will share stories from my life in Vietnam, and how my life looks after healing from grief. I will explore questions like, what is my definition of a family? I will share my view of religion. And I will explain why I call myself a daughter of God. You can subscribe to receive notifications when I publish new posts.

What do you do to steady yourself in the waves of life? How do you keep moving forward after loss? Please share in the comments below!