What is loss, and how does it affect us?
There are different kinds of losses that we experience in our lives. I believe each loss has a different effect on each individual’s mental wellbeing, depending on his or her stress threshold. I’d like to share how my losses have affected me, and how I have overcome them to live every day with compassion, appreciation and gratitude.
Loss of acceptance.
As an Amerasian growing up in Vietnam, I was bullied by Vietnamese society, abused by my stepfather, and my grandparents didn’t allow me to meet them. I hid from society and my stepfather so they wouldn’t have chances to mock me. I don’t recall any affection that I received from my siblings or my parents as a child. All I remember were the hostile yelling, insulting, and hitting from my stepfather to my mother and me. I remember craving for someone to help me with my schoolwork, and craving for a loving and peaceful home.
This loss of acceptance and support had a tremendous effect on my self-esteem, as well as on my cognitive, social and mental development from childhood up to my adult life. I stored anger and resentment, and I was confused about making life decisions growing up.
Up to these days, I am still a little hesitant/nervous when I’m around Vietnamese people. I’m nervous they will judge my and others’ appearance or financial and education status, like they did when I was a child.
Research has proven that the most crucial stage in human development is from birth to teenager. These are the ages kids need support, love, and care from their family, and from society, so that they can feel a sense of loving and welcoming, to build self-esteem, learn to make decisions, and build trust in others. I didn’t have any of that support. Due to lack of mental nourishment, I felt lost, had low self-esteem, and felt confused in decision making. I felt hurt, angry, unlovable, depressed. I carried a heavy, sad weight inside of me growing up. I wished I wasn’t born. I wondered why I was here on earth. I wondered why humans are so mean.
Loss of fertility.
Being a healthy woman but unable to conceive naturally, I sought help. But even through In-Vitro Fertilization, I wasn’t able to keep my pregnancies. I lost many pregnancies, and a set of stillborn twins. These losses made me felt frustrated. I was nervous that I would never have kids. I also had sad, guilty feelings that my husband wouldn’t have a chance to care for a child, even though he never gave me any pressure about having kids, but supported me.
Loss of family.
I lost my mother, my brother and his wife, a family friend, and my husband in a fatal car accident. This shocking, surprising loss mumbled my brain for months, followed by a feeling of guilt with many accusing questions in my mind like: Why did we decide to go on this trip? Why did I invite my family to go? Was I the cause of their death because I invited them to go with me? And I wondered, why am I still alive but they weren’t? I asked God: had I done something dreadful in my past life? Displeased Him? Was that why I received these consequences? Grieving alone with no family around me? I mourned. Those feelings of guilt and loneliness exhausted me mentally.
Loss of trust.
After the deaths of my loved ones, some people I trusted turned on me for a cut of the settlement money.
The mental pain I felt from friends and family during the deepest trial of my life made me realized the power of money. Money blinded some people’s eyes. It controlled their minds and hearts so that they didn’t have any feelings of sympathy for a friend, a family member who’d just lost her loved ones. It was hard grieving from the death of my family and dealing with others’ greedy behavior. Disappointed in family members, I was devastated. I was afraid I would go crazy, so I reached out for help.
These were the things that I did to diminish my pain, guilt, anger, and devastation:
1. I reached out to trusted friends who were willing to listen, and I talked to my counselors about my trouble. I have found that talking to a counselor was easier than to a friend because sometimes I worried if what I shared was too much for them to handle mentally. Remember to search for the counselor that fits you.
2. I exercised at the gym, and I took a walk in nature often. Exercise improves your mood and helps improve sleep. Sleep deprivation can lead to depression, anxiety and stress. I took naps and rested when I was tired. Having a routine sleep schedule during your hard time in life is a must.
3. I read self-help articles and listened to meditation music.
4. I wrote down my feelings in my journal.
5. I allowed myself to cry because crying releases oxytocin and can alleviate stress.
6. I made myself eat even though I didn’t feel like eating. A well-balance diet can help us think clearly and feel more alert.
7. I prayed every day. I suggest you talk to your God, or do some form of meditation often, because it helps to center yourself.
8. I got out of bed and moved everyday even though I didn’t want to get out of my bed or house. I found that even just stepping out of the house helped me to improve my mood.
9. I continued with my full-time job when my health allowed me to go back to work after my tragedy.
The road to healing was wavy. It took years to heal from a lifetime of painful losses. But as I healed, I feel that I have a profound gain from each of my losses. I have gained life knowledge. I don’t tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone. I feel confident in my appearance. I have a deep sense of compassion and appreciation for others and for the world I live in. I have been living my life to the fullest.
I’m grateful to have a house to live in, a career I enjoy. As a public health professional, I have seen many people from different age groups, different cultures, and backgrounds. People have shared with me their happiness and hardships in their lives. I’m proud to say that from my life experiences, I can be compassionate with others. And I have learned from their shares too. I’m grateful to have a fine husband and my two kids to love, and to do things with. I couldn’t ask for more.
If you ask me, which loss of mine is the greatest loss? Is one of my losses greater than the other?
To be honest, I don’t have a definite answer for these questions. I found that each of my losses affected me differently, and I gained from it differently. Based on my experiences, I think that if two people experienced the same loss, it would affect them differently depending on their strengths and their life experience.
So, never compare your loss to others’, but work with yourself to move forward. Nobody can help you if you’re not willing to work through your problem.
Healing from loss means to me that we are able to move on with our life regardless of our lives’ history. And when the feeling of grievance from our past revisits us, we allow ourselves to acknowledge it, and we are able to let it pass through us and we’re able to focus our minds on our present activities. From building strength from our past challenges, we are able to deal with our new one when it comes, because that’s how life is, it will never be stagnant.
If you have healed from loss, please share in the comments what you did to help yourself heal so others can find comfort in your words.
Or if you have any particular question for me, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m open to answer questions based on my knowledge and comfort level.